A true story
They say to write what you know. For a high functioning kook like myself, this covers a wide variety of comedic scenarios. This includes but does not limit: Outrunning a pack of bloodthirsty hounds, winging auditions for prestigious musical roles, mastering the Time Warp from “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” and countless other story worthy experiences.
As a comic book fan, I was very pleased to have met an actual superhero. Not a tall, dark, handsome and mysterious ass kicker of the night exactly. Rather, it was someone who has brought smiles and laughter to every person he saves. I guess he’s not the most popular, in fact I’d say he’s more of a has-been. Don’t get me wrong, we all loved him at the middle school book fairs. The kids were his primary audience.
But then again, I’m not sure if a Captain Underpants comic is the first thing I would want to be caught reading as I sip my matcha tea in Starbucks. But I believe that true stories are always worth telling, so let’s get to the point.
I actually met Captain Underpants. It was quite memorable.
It began one excruciatingly hot summer day when I was going on a leisurely run through the neighborhood. Remember those bloodthirsty hounds I mentioned above? Well, this is what happened. Emerging from a backyard concealed by thick trees were a legion of tiny dogs. I don’t remember but man, there had to be at least four! That was the afternoon they decided to go on the offensive.
All was calm before I heard the scratching of claws against the pavement and ear-splitting barks. Instinct caused me to break into a sprint and scream bloody murder halfway down the block.
“Stop! Come back Fluffy! Snowy! Cupcake!” a gruff voice then commanded from behind me. I dared to turn my head around. That was when I saw him in all his masculine glory. Chasing after us was a guy in the tightest pair of briefs ever sponsored by Fruit of the Loom.
This is how the scene was playing out. Cartoonishly small dogs chase after me as I scream my head off, a nearly naked man is screaming and chasing after the dogs (luckily, they only had four-inch legs, so I outran them). Meanwhile, I’m sprinting for all I’m worth to the next street corner.
Fortunately, the dogs gave up long before I did. I turned around to see my hero gathering the dogs two at a time in his toned biceps.
Contrary to what we’re shown in comics, Captain Underpants has a body that has seen the gym. I can see why he would want to stay out of the public eye. People wouldn’t believe it was really Captain Underpants.
I would have run over to thank him had I not collapsed on the ground. I was out of breath, clutching my side and rolling with laughter next to a four way stop.
What about you? Any crazy runs, walks or encounters with bloodthirsty dogs? Let me know!